The Door!!

Since being here in Africa, I have started to read the book "Captivating." It is a wonderful book that has really been making me think about myself and my purpose as a woman of God. The last couple of chapters have really hit me hard. In Africa there is a rule that as a white person you need to be inside by 7:00 at night. The reason being mainly for protection and safety. I HATE this rule. I struggle with wanting to just be free to walk down the street at night and do what I want. I admit I am not the smartest person when it comes to being safe and careful. I think sometimes I create the image that I am invincible and that no one can touch me. Well while reading "Captivating" I realized that the reason I create such a tough exterior is because I am trying to prove to everyone that I am not weak and that I do not need help. God has been really working on me with this issue here in Africa. Normally I never cry....I am just not a crying type of girl. But since being in Africa I have cried more than I think I have imagined. I have had to admit numerous times to my fellow American friends, that I am scared, tired, lonely, and afraid. I realized that I am truly weak to the core, I am unable to hold myself up. I need God to be the center beam that runs through me, without His help I will fall into shambles. Today this lesson became even more really while doing my daily devotions. My devotions talked about the door, the door to your heart and will. God is knocking at that door and might have been knocking for a while. But it is up to me and you to allow Him to come in and see all or mess and clean it up. I realized that I was keeping some of my doors shut. I allowed God to have control over certain areas of my life but there was areas that were mine and mine alone. I realized that I did not want God to just come in, I wanted him to break down the door. I wanted Him to remove the door completely. I wanted to stop trying to fix everything on my own and plan my future and how I think my time in Africa should be spent. I want to walk each day knowing that this adventure and day was made not because of what I did or didn't do. However, I desire to live this day in the light of God. Yesterday God really showed me this. As I walked home yesterday... like any other day... I decided to use this time to pray for people back home. I realized that many of the Ugandans think that I am already weird because I am white. Add on top of that a white girl who is talking to herself. I decided I did not care. As I was walk-praying a little girl came and ran up to me. She was probably about three years old. She grabbed my hand and continued to walk with me. I did not see here mother around or that she belonged to anyone. I did not know what to do, should I let go of her hand or continue to walk. I looked around to double check to see if anyone knew the little girl, it seemed that she was alone. So I continued to walk on up the hill to my house with my new little friend in hand. She never looked back, never question my judgment, she just took my hand and let me lead the way. Her hand remained firm in mine. Think about it what if we were that little girl and God was a strange white girl walking through your village. Would you have enough faith and courage to walk over and take His hand? Would you allow Him to lead you up a path that is unfamiliar and strange to you? It is a hard question and sometimes I know that I am to prideful to let God lead me up the hill of life... I still need to learn to let go and just hold His hand... by the way... the little girl's sister ended up being behind me the whole time... it just so happened that the two girl lived up a couple of house from mine...